I just cant seem to catch a break lately!! They say when it rains it pours, and I feel like I have been stuck in a rain forest! But I do have one positive thing, so i will start with that. In my last post I wrote about my Dr wanting me to use a walker. I was able to get the one that I found on craigslist, yay... lol It is a nice one, never been used outside and barely used at all. $35, got a great deal. I got it home Thursday night, and it sat for a couple days. The depression kicked in hardcore. The thought of having to use it was depressing.... and once I could physically "see" it, I lost it. I was angry,very angry... at me, at God, at the world. This morning, I had a few errands to run. My son usually goes with me, and helps me walk, but today he couldn't go. So I took the walker....OMG, it takes sooo much pressure off of my knees, and my whole body actually, it is unreal. When I got dizzy (which happens every time I walk, no matter how far the distance), I was able to sit right down! I didn't have to search for a bench, or a chair. Got a few funny looks, but hey, we are used to that, Nothing new. I was still worn out when I was done, but I had some energy left and actually was able to make it though the next stop also, before I had to take a break for awhile. That in itself is a improvement....yay, for the small steps! Hey, I can't run a marathon, but I saw something change for the better, and that hasn't happened in a long time. So, at first, I had nothing but anger towards this new "accessory" that I now need to depend on, but it not so bad. So I need to use a walker, its not permanent, its not a death sentence. I can do this.
As most things in my life, the saying, "you take one step forward, and three steps back" fits me completely. The walker situation was my one step forward....during the few days that the walker just "sat" in my room, the storm was brewing in my relationship. Those of you who have read my posts, know that i am having trouble with getting my boyfriend to listen to me....really listen, to how I am feeling and what my emotions are going through, and getting him to know that its not "him", that i just need to cry, or yell, or need a hug. He is having a hard time dealing with this new dx also, and he has never known how to deal with emotions very well. When he starts feeling upset, or scared, he gets angry, at the world. For weeks now, I have been trying to get him to watch "the spoons theory", it helped me with my boys, it helped them to understand how I feel on a daily basis, but in a way that they could understand, even at their ages (13 and 10). I had given up on even asking him about it, but on Friday, he asked me to load it on my laptop so that he could watch it. I wanted to cry, but tried not to show any reaction. We made it 3/4 of the way through and he was crying, and by the end of it, he was angry. I immediately regretted loading it. We fought all day and I don't know if we are together anymore or not. I know that he would never put his hands on me, but i also don't know if staying with him is worth what it is doing to my health. I just don't even know what to do anymore. We have decided to stay in the same house temporarily until one of us can figure something else out. Since then, the flare has increased ten fold. I had a friend come get me and the kids yesterday, just to give myself a "break" but I am hurting so bad now, that I just want to get home and into my bed and not move for the next couple weeks. I am trying so hard to be strong, but I physically, and emotionally, just don't have any strength left. The stress is putting my body through the ringer, and I don't know what to do about it. Nothing that I do is helping, my heart has been racing for days, and this morning I woke up covered in a rash from head to toe (it has eased up some) but my skin still feels like I have a horrible sunburn, and I haven't been in the sun at all.
Maybe, being able to vent on here, will give me some much needed relief. I am going to take a shower and try and relax a little before I get myself home. Please keep me in your prayers today, I need all the prayers I can get! God bless you all
