Lupus Lupus on the Wall, Am I really that Fat?if Fat at All?

So this is THE hardest thing for me to talk about, but after fighting the Enemy tonight I am fed up and ready to challenge the pitchfork poking fellow once and for all.

I am calling your bluff: http://youtu.be/jHjFxJVeCQs

It's a show down, devil:

So, as I have mentioned (ad nausea- m) that i have had an eating disorder since 4th grade. I was proud that I could live on almost no food. Sometimes an apple and 1/4th cup of wheatgerm would be all I'd need for a few days

. all was well...ish.

People talked about how thin I was and I loved it (although I didn't believe them---I thought they were making fun of me for being fat.)

my sister called me bones; I called her Lizard lips

I never felt thin enough even though my hair was falling out..and all those other symptoms of a body breaking down.

anyway, i don't need to go into the details.

I am writing it bc of the great---great opportunity to lati LATi (remember? laugh at the irony.

here is what is ironic: When I was like a skeleton I thought I was fat.

SO here is the cause to lati:

I still can't beieve people see me as I am: overweight! Obese. fat Even though I am clearly almost 100 pounds over weight i am always shocked when anyone says a word about my weight..

i think it is so twisted to have polar opposite ideas about how fat/thin I am(or not.)

But I think I can honestly say that I should have picked up a a cue or two as to the changing shape of my body.

1. when did i have to step away from the fridge door to shut it? The first few time I hit my belly shutting the door to the fridge I thought I must just be standing weird. It took almost 5 years to convince myself that if I bump my belly opening and closing the fridge door is not a good sign.

2: when a dog bites the part of you that is closest to his teeth and it's your belly, well.

Suffice it to say that I see myself as fat as the world sees me now and I really don't care that much. I don't mean I don't care about other people, I mean I don't really care if I am the fat lady.

Lupus pulled the rug right out from under my fairly normal sized feet, took my breath away and ripped away whatever shred of positive-identity i had managed to hold onto in one fell swoop.

so even though it seemed good that I didn';t care , it meant that i had given up and didn't care because I felt defeated.

Why, then, am I babbling on about it now? tonight?

because i decided to fight back (against the devil who tries so hard to make me hate myself and tries so hard to convince me that everyone else hates me even more.)

I bumped my belly on the fridge door when I was taking the last piece of watermelon and I started hating myself for being such a loser;

Tonight I fought back. This is new for me. I resisted the devil, said "Naw, I don't want to play that game."

The point I seem to be having trouble making is this:

I realized that I am indeed, fat right now; and obesity is one of my health problem.

But it is not the end of the world; I yam what I yam.

I am brave now that I have all my lwl muscles.

The devil tried to shoot me down tonight. I resisted his taunts . He fled. wasn't even that hard--he is a wimp and weakling;

I armed my self with faith and the word of God (i sang the put on the armor of God song)

and I resisted the devil's ploy to make me feel like giving up


"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

and from the prayer of St Teresa of Avila:

Nada te turbe,
nada te espante,

todo se pasa,

Dios no se muda,
la paciencia todo lo alcanza,
quien a Dios tiene nada le falta
sólo Dios basta.
Solo Dios Basta

---St Teresa of Avila:

http://youtu.be/zbo0t0cK0hU
nothing frighten you, it all happens,
God never changes,
the Patience obtains all things,
who has God lacks nothing
God alone suffices.

Hello Janice,

So many emotions going on but you are who you are and it does'nt matter what people think....it's all down to you and how you want to feel in the end....lupus destroys we in so many ways.

Regarding weight i've been there at 18st it got me down plus felt disgusted but could'nt do nothing about it and this lovely steriod just loved adding the weight although i hardly had anything worth eating.

It's like me now i'm as thin as a stick like i was was years back and the big problem on doctor's minds with the drugs i take and a few have said it, i should be looking like an "Horse" very nice expression but what's eating me away i have'nt no clue or coukld it be good old Lupus?

So besides yourself adding question marks....i'll add them with you?....as we seem to be working opposite to each other but there's a large ??? mark standing on we both.

Hi Janice,

I applaud your courage and want to thank you for sharing this. I've lived with the disease for quite a few years and have undergone many drastic weight swings as a result. Before diagnosis, I was a pretty fit 150lbs. After a major flare and 12 days in the hospital, I came home at 117lbs. A month later, after being on 30g of Prednisone per day, I was up to 187lbs. I felt awful, had no clothes that fit and couldn't stand to look at myself.

So, like you, one day I said "no more" and started to take advantage of the "good days". I began walking and that helped me keep away from the fridge. I also changed my grocery shopping to healthier snacks. It really did help.

Another thing that helped me regain my focus was to organize my closet. I broke my closet into three sections: clothes that I couldn't wear, those that were marginal, and those with no chance. I continued my walking and every couple of weeks, I'd see if I could move a few more items into a better section. It allowed me to gauge my progress and provide me with a little motivation.

Now I have to use your term LATI because about 16 mths ago I was doing fairly well and was very active in the gym (fairly buffed if I do say so myself... lol). I had gotten up to nearly 180lbs of muscle but something wasn't feeling right. I was fatigued like never before and had to stop my workouts. Little did I know that my kidneys were shutting down. Another 16 days in the hospital and requiring 4 hours of dialysis 3x/wk was the outcome. Now I'm kept at 133lbs and may experience weight gains as much as 5lbs in a day (feels awful) only to go in for a treatment removing 8lbs of fluid in 4 hours (nearly unbearable). So I've gone back to rearranging my closet :)

Good luck to you. You sound like you're in a good place mentally and that's the biggest hurdle. I know you'll be fine.

thanks blackunicorn...it is good to hear that I am not alone---just saying this stuff out loud (on line...out keyboarded?) is a step...less to carry, right?

sorry to hear about the kidney issues---i am afraid I may be headed that way...one day at a time, though.

Thanks again for posting:)

blackunicorn said:

Hi Janice,

I applaud your courage and want to thank you for sharing this. I've lived with the disease for quite a few years and have undergone many drastic weight swings as a result. Before diagnosis, I was a pretty fit 150lbs. After a major flare and 12 days in the hospital, I came home at 117lbs. A month later, after being on 30g of Prednisone per day, I was up to 187lbs. I felt awful, had no clothes that fit and couldn't stand to look at myself.

So, like you, one day I said "no more" and started to take advantage of the "good days". I began walking and that helped me keep away from the fridge. I also changed my grocery shopping to healthier snacks. It really did help.

Another thing that helped me regain my focus was to organize my closet. I broke my closet into three sections: clothes that I couldn't wear, those that were marginal, and those with no chance. I continued my walking and every couple of weeks, I'd see if I could move a few more items into a better section. It allowed me to gauge my progress and provide me with a little motivation.

Now I have to use your term LATI because about 16 mths ago I was doing fairly well and was very active in the gym (fairly buffed if I do say so myself... lol). I had gotten up to nearly 180lbs of muscle but something wasn't feeling right. I was fatigued like never before and had to stop my workouts. Little did I know that my kidneys were shutting down. Another 16 days in the hospital and requiring 4 hours of dialysis 3x/wk was the outcome. Now I'm kept at 133lbs and may experience weight gains as much as 5lbs in a day (feels awful) only to go in for a treatment removing 8lbs of fluid in 4 hours (nearly unbearable). So I've gone back to rearranging my closet :)

Good luck to you. You sound like you're in a good place mentally and that's the biggest hurdle. I know you'll be fine.

yes terri I love the big ? mark! and when a whole life is all boiled down, it doesn't weigh as much as guilt. I say "Feast on prayer and abstain from fear"

Tez_20 said:

Hello Janice,

So many emotions going on but you are who you are and it does'nt matter what people think....it's all down to you and how you want to feel in the end....lupus destroys we in so many ways.

Regarding weight i've been there at 18st it got me down plus felt disgusted but could'nt do nothing about it and this lovely steriod just loved adding the weight although i hardly had anything worth eating.

It's like me now i'm as thin as a stick like i was was years back and the big problem on doctor's minds with the drugs i take and a few have said it, i should be looking like an "Horse" very nice expression but what's eating me away i have'nt no clue or coukld it be good old Lupus?

So besides yourself adding question marks....i'll add them with you?....as we seem to be working opposite to each other but there's a large ??? mark standing on we both.

Hi Janice,

It is a large question mark regarding our health and how it goes besides our weight

Your statement is 150% correct for us all concerning everything we go through.

"Feast on prayer and abstain from fear"