I was diagnosed to have lupus in november last year (2016) and this thing is no joke. I have a moody personality before this but can be the crazy and funny girl around my friends but the time i was diagnosed was when we finished school and everyone go their separate ways to different universities and even if they’re in the same university as me, they all take different majors. so i don’t really have the time to see if i can still be the same around my friends…but around my new friends i made, i guess i’m really quiet and shy. whenever i feel down, it shows on my face and they will ask if i’m okay so i said i am because it’s not like i’m gonna tell them everything.
however, at home, i can say and admit, i’ve become worse, as a person. I don’t mean to and i try my best to hold myself together but i couldn’t. I either ignore my family or act all too cheerful and whoever i am now, i hate who i am. this is not like me. but i also didn’t know who i used to be.
School is hard, i hate how they make me feel anxious, panic and cry whenever there’s a deadline to meet. My major is nursing btw, midwifery is currently my minor. i don’t even know if i have made the right decision, the only concrete reason that i confident of is because you get a job right after you graduate, i want to get a job so i can support my family and support myself. i know i’ve said this over and over again, but goddammit it’s hard.
i wish i can just stay at home and sleep all day, i would sacrifice all my unnecessary wants like makeups, dolls, games and whatnot if in return they let me stay at home. I would force myself to do all the house chores if they let me quit school. I will cut back my meals so that they won’t have to worry about food bills(plus i eat too much anyways, thanks, prenisolone. )
but everytime i want to mention this to my mom, i can tell she’s unhappy and disappointed so i just had to move on and curse my life.
SENSITIVE DONT READ IF YOU CANT HANDLE IT SORRY
sorry for this sensitive issue but i also MOST of the time, like 99% of the time, i think about death. what ways can i kill myself. even the littlest thing like walking, i would think, what if something fell now and take away my life, wouldn’t that be great? I also think like, if i manage to reach the third year of my univerisity year and got sent to (insert any country), i’ll make sure i go to (the country’s place with highest succesful suicide rate)
but every time i think so, i think about how devastated my family would be, how heavy my sins would be and so on.
i think that’s all i want to let out. i have a question for guys that have lupus too, how much has lupus took away from you and what are you doing with your life right now?