Fatigue i.e. "you're lazy"

I have returned to full time work, and I'm still adjusting to it. I'm working in an office as a production planner. Of course, with a new job, there's new frustration learning the job and added frustration as a lupie with fatigue. I have been trying to take care of my health, making sure I get my water and take my meds and getting rest when I get home.

My husband is very supportive, and he is worried that I'm so tired. Add to that his frustration that he returned to school in January - He was injured at work, and now he can't handle the heavy lifting that is required and lost his job. He asked for some help on the computer at about 9pm the other night, and I'm just too tired to sit with him that late - I'm all about sleep at that time. The next morning, he was trying to format a flash drive - and got frustrated and said that I was too "lazy last night to help him". And I was" too damned tired all the time".

Lazy - just hit me to the core. My husband apologized 3 times that day. Fatigue is just not understood, if you don't have it. If I tell my daughter - I'm really tired today - oh yeah she's tired too. I want to say, you don't understand, and that's the truth - she doesn't understand. Thank God, she' doesn't understand. She is an energizer bunny with ADHD. I am the energizer bunny that someone took the battery out.


I couldn't be happier for you...I know how much you wanted to go back to work as do so many of us. But as this sounds new it's going to be a time of adjustment for all of you.

If your husband is anything like I am with computers, I would suspect the problem had more to do with his inability to format a drive and he spoke without thinking. Now, not taking sides...promise, just know that I get more frustrated with machines than with my family and say stupid things that are hurtful to my husband. Also, from what you say, it sounds like on top of that he really is concerned about your health.

I do hope that you are resting when you can, sleeping when you can and taking care of yourself.

Give yourself and the rest of your family a chance to acclimate to the "new" you. I am so very, very happy for you!

Biggest hugs,


PS we all know the difference between fatigue and laziness. I have fallen asleep in public areas being so fatigued. That is NOT laziness.

Trisha, Very happy you got to go back to work. Remember we are always here for you !! We know what being tired is and we all know that none of us are lazy. It does hurt to the core when someone thinks that. I am sure your husband does care and is worried about your health. Hang in there !!! Love , hugs and prayers to you

Hi Trisha. I have been wondering about you and hoping that you are doing well with your new job. I remember the days that I was still working and going home and taking a nap on days I could. It isn't easy. I'm sure your husbands' remarks hurt you deeply even though it was his frustration. You have mentioned several times how good he is to you but we all snap at times. You and your family are in my prayers. Gentle hugs, Rita

He said he was sorry. Your husband as well as you is also going through a very stressful time. I say cut him some slack and realize that it came out of that stress since he has apologized.

What hurt is that is how you are feeling about yourself these days because you are sick and since you do not look outwardly sick, you like many people who you think , are judging yourself too harshly. This is your own issue, one you have to come to turns with and accept the truth about your life, your body.

You family sounds like what many are going through now, hard times with employment mainly due to health issues. Hey we hear our representatives say if people cannot work we might as well be shipped off to some island and die. So of course at some levels we are going to feel not good about ourselves though i bet you are actually doing as great a job as next person.

You and your husband might think about counseling for both your self esteem about having an illness and both affected your employment as well as your total lives. Sounds like he loves you and like you think your daughter does not get how tired you are, he might think you do not get how tired he feels yet he felt pressure to learn that computer program... I do not know, i am just guessing....best thing though is to ask him and both of you talk together about how your both are feeling physically, your fears, etc...find a way together through it.

having a husband who is trying to understand is wonderful, he deserves same from you...as you both are in same place as worry about work with health problems. talk to him, accept his apology and realize part of his frustration came out of fear, stress same as your own did as well. good luck and hope you realize how luck you are to have guy who cares.

Thank you for your comments and your support. I accepted his first apology, Life is too short to hold a grudge.

I was betting that you did just what you did. You are just that kind of woman in all your messages. Hugs!

Awwww Thanks Reet! Be careful if you are going out today, the roads are awful.... We have plans for a Superbowl party, and we'll go for the pre-game and leave after the first period sometime.... Have to be home for half-time... lol

reet said:

I was betting that you did just what you did. You are just that kind of woman in all your messages. Hugs!

Trisha, I am thrilled for you that you are working and I can only imagine how hard it must be. As much as we love each other we all have our snappy moments! I'm sure he was so frustrated himself at the computer then you got his snappiness! My husband does the same thing, then he is so sorry and pouff it's all over. I'm sure it's the way we are wired! Kids always say they are tired they just don't get our kind of "tired". You are very inspiring to the rest of us...get as much rest as you can with the new job!! Have a fun day today!

Big Hugs,


Bless your heart Trisha! My DH does the same thing to me, but he doesn't apologize...I have to get very upset for him to understand what it means when he says things like that to me. When I had to take my disability retirement, at the age of 44, he wanted to retire, too!!! We went through so much trying to get him to understand that I was no longer the major breadwinner and that he had to step up and help out.

Best wishes with your new job.....stay strong...you inspire all of us!

Much love,


Hi Trisha

We have all said things that we really didn't mean, or at least I have. You can't put those words back into your mouth. Try not to put tooo much stock in it. You know that he really understands. Your daughetr is a kid My father would say "still wet between the ears"

That's a good way to put it, "an energizer bunny with no batteries. I'm sure they both care.


This is something all of us has gone through. I know longer use the word “tired” to describe my lupus fatigue. We had a family meeting, discussed exactly what lupus does to my body and why I need so much more help and sleep than I used to. I promised them I would never just “be lazy” and that I would do what ever I could without harming my health. In return, whenever I tell them I am “fatigued” they are to understand that I must rest and need help without question. I don’t overuse the word or use it when I don’t need to.

I know with my husband, his frustration with situations sometimes comes roaring out before he can stop it, just like your husband did. Accept his apology but also makes sure he knows that “lazy” is a word that really hurts. There are very few of us that have the support of their families. Cherish and nurture that.

The key is communication. Don’t hide how you are feeling from your family. We often do that to protect them then turn around and become angry because they aren’t acting as we think they should. Just know, if you hide your illness from them, there is no way they will know a) how bad you feel or b) what to do to help.

I too work outside the home but part time right now. I teach college biology and tutor on the side. I immediately let my immediate supervisor know of my condition. I’ve had much support from everyone. But it took a while for my body to accommodate to the new schedule. Just remember, this is more change in just a little span of time and adjusting isn’t something to rush.

Good luck! You’ll be awesome!