truth be told

But the TRUTH is I feel scared and worried and I am fighting with all my might to avoid feeling this way.

I have to get my blood drawn before taking meds tomorrow. I tried today and got so shaky I had to give it up before the doc’s office opened; I had to eat and take the medicine. Or else.

So tomorrow I have to try again. I am going to try to stay in bed till 7 which is hard bc I usually get up at 4:00.

And I don’t know…maybe I will pack my food and meds and park at the office till they open in case I get sick and be unable to drive there. If I am in the parking lot at least I can stumble through the doors, do the lab and then find a way to wait it out till I am well enough to drive home.

Theses are my worries:

My son who is getting his masters is totally overworked and exhausted. I worry I will not be as supportive as I need to be--he has always had to be more of the adult---it took a long time for me to grow up and i don't want to let him down.

One daughter is trying to raise her family and let time winnow the bad stuff away. I worry that I won't have enough time.

Another daughter is working to get her degree two time zones away, but the silence between us  makes it seem like she is a zillion miles away and I am afraid I will never be the mom she wants me to be.

And another son is lost, but I can’t stop looking for ways to help him…or I can’t stop hoping; how can a mother give up?

And it was only one day, but the house is a mess again. ALREADY! How can that be?

And I worry that I say too much, but do you think that stops me?

“Lord, set a guard before my mouth; put a gatekeeper at my lips…”

But this is TRUE: I am miserable with worry and fear…AND I am hopeful too. How can one person be so split in two? This is the way Lupus acts: It is ME fighting against ME. It is my own body attacking its host. Makes no sense.

Or does it?

Is Lupus the fleshed out manifestation of all this  intense internal conflict? If so, please please pray that I can learn to chill.

God says, "Peace. Be still." And I want to say I will...in a minute....after this veil is finished, after this show is over, after the blog is blogged, after the snack I am going to find is eaten, after the tea, after my meds, after, after, after this.