The Could Have Should Have Blues

For years the pain in my back was so excruciating that it became the center of my life. I was either focused on the pain or doing something to distract myself from the pain. At some point my mind became convinced that if I could just get the pain down to a more bearable level then I would feel wonderful.  Well, the back is now manageable.  My pain management physician has done his part and my surgeon has been great. Yet, I still feel much less than well.  

Of course all that means is that the fatigue of lupus was waiting for me under the pain. And I must also accept the fact of my aging. I am 65 years old and I have been living with the challenges of autoimmune illnesses for at least 55 years.  I do not think that another hour or two of sleep will make me feel better. I do not think that additional rest will solve my problem. For me this may be as good as it gets. So, what kind of life can I have if I feel this tired and weak?

Well, my brain still has a little agility left. Unfortunately, it either wants to focus on the past or the future. When it focuses on the past it gives me a really bad case of the could haves and should haves. Lately it has been taking be back more than 40 years. Then it flips to the future and shows me destitute, homeless and hungry. I have to ask myself why I am sitting in a nice warm house with a full belly while making myself go through pain that is imaginary.  My mind clearly needs something else to do.

So I am returning to my role as a student of health and nutrition education. I took a leave of absence for the back surgery. Now I have been reinstated and started the next class. It comes with a heavy set of readings, homework assignments, and practical activities. I have had to ask several of my friends to supply me a complete list of every food and liquid they have consumed over a three day period as well as a record of their activities. I then have to enter this data into the nutrition analysis software. Of course, my friends eat many foods that are neither in the USDA or the Canadian database. So, there are calculations that must be done by hand. Then I get to interview my friends and at the end of the class I get to give them advice. I love giving advice.

There is a very large part of me that wants to leave the computer and hunker down in front of the television for the rest of the afternoon. I have been doing that for quite a while. But last week I splurged on a new waterproof MP3 player. So, I am going to get myself in gear and go to the pool for an hour or so. I will be moving slowly, but I will be moving. Deep down inside I know that the more I move the better my mood will be. I realize that many of my Life With Lupus friends wish that they could get in their cars and drive to the pool, but cannot. So, I must not waste my opportunity. This depression is deadly.