Fight Fair

hello again:)

I can't sleep bc my belly hurts, my neck hurts and I am filled with self doubt (which is better than self-loathing, which is what it would have been before)

I am soooo glad you (Fellow lupites) are here. People who don't have to put up with chronic pain just don't get it and it really helps to have someone there or here (?). anyway

my cousin and I just had a fight..well, a conflict.

She always told me, "If you need me just call" but if I did need her and If i called, she'd sigh and make excuses such as "I don't have my face on," etc.

She used the word WHY like bullets. If I called her to say I felt bad she'd say, "WHY>"---she didn't ask like someone who cares. She spit out the word WHY like a knife thrower and pinned me down like a bug.

So I have not talked to her for a few days because I have been in so much pain and didn't feel like adding insult to injury. But I don't like conflict so I spent a very long time writing an email to her today. I had to revise it over and over till I got all the bitter stuff out. I don't want to fight, but if we are going to have this conflict I would like to work through it. So in my email I told her what had hurt so much and why I have not been talking to her. I also sent a copy of fair-fighting rules and explained how important it is to me to make sure we don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. http://drphil.com/articles/article/20

do you all think this was a good thing to do or do you think she'll be offended? How would you feel if you got a letter with a set of rules for fighting fair? would you be insulted?

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Comment by Patter on February 7, 2012 at 10:21pm: You know about seven years a go my one sister and I had quite a blow up. She has always been aggressive and had turned in to quite the family bully. The blow up was really terrible! I sat down and wrote her a letter and gave her a history of what had been going on over the years from my view point. The next time we were at my parents, I walked in the front door and saw her in the kitchen. I walked right over, hugged her and told her that I loved her. She just melted in my arms. Later she pulled me aside and apologized and said she had no idea the impact of what she had said and done had done to me, my husband and my daughter. I was very lucky she read the letter and was understanding. My daughter still wont hardly talk to her but this sister is very understanding of us and my husband's disability since this all took place. It was hard to write that letter and I read it over and over making changes to it so that what I had to say was very clear. I knew that it would make or break what was left of our relationship but I could no longer tolerate her attitude, snide remarks or rolling eyes. Some times you just have to take a stand and let people know that they are spitting words out like bullets and it hurts. It is harder when it comes to chronic health problems. My husband has suffered with fibromyalgia for over thirty years. I always have shown compassion and understanding and love for him but now that my lupus is starting to be debilitating I really have a very clear picture of what he has been through all of these years. Maybe we can't make them understand but we can let them know what is and isn't acceptable. When they disregard or forget that their words are hurting us they need to know. I think you are approaching this in a sensible way and are making an effort to save the relationship. I hope your cousin reads the email and thinks about it. You are in my positive thoughts and prayers!

Moderator Comment by janice on February 4, 2012 at 11:52pm: thank you suzie, i really appreciate your answer. She has not called or emailed and i am trying hard not to imagine what she must be thinking or saying, right? i am no mind reader. all i can do as pray. so now everytime i think of her and feel like imagining what she'd thinking i will just pray:"Jesus, into your hands"

You are awesome Florence...oh wait, i mean nightingale...no no, suzie! lol

Moderator Comment by Suzie D. on February 4, 2012 at 9:20pm: Hi Jan, I tink that the email was a good idea, if she has hurt u & u feel as if she doesn't treat u right & insults u, then u need to let her know, , if she cares bout you, then she can fix it & STOP......U can't keep it bottled up, it will only grow bigger & u will ge more bitter about it....so letting her know, is def. the way to go!! Then it is out in the open & everyone can move on....if u didn't, then there would always be that "tension" & that is not healthy. So YES, doing so, was a very good way & by email is good too, so then it gives her time to reread it & understand what u mean & hopefully call u to discuss it. Saying it first by phone could turn into a shouting match cuz it can insult both of u, cuz, we all know words can come out the wrong way when we r upset. So typing it, proofreading & changing it to the best way is so much easier & better 4 all. And sending the article can't hurt either, maybe, just maybe, she will be more OPEN to understanding more about her cousins health problems & be able to be more supportive 2!! That would make ur relationship alot more peaceful & good! So let me know what her response was, fingers crossed, she does understand finally & accepts u for who u are & how feel everyday......and who u are is a wonderful person! ;) {{HUGS}} Suzie Xo.... p.s. We have ALL been there, ur are so right, unless, u have a "chronic" illness, it is very hard to comprehend & empathize.