Black v. Blue

I guess I'm as guilty of the rest of the Western hemisphere when I erroneously refer to being "down," "melancholy," "blue" or "in a funk," as depression, and I know better. When I refer to "the Black," I mean what I've experienced as professionally diagnosed "major clinical depression": an altered neurological state for which medication and various therapies may to some degree eventually alleviate or stave off. The near-constant state of belief that life has no meaning or purpose and never will; the conviction that I will never again experience pleasure; and the feelings of utter hopelessness, self-worthlessness, and suicidal ideation that lasts for months at a time, for which I sometimes need to be hospitalized.

I have lost my two closest friends, three siblings and my father to various demises in a few short years. I only mention this because while I felt profound sadness grieving each of them, I still had good hours, and then days, as time passed. I only experienced a clinical depression with one of these deaths. I was doing okay on anti-depressants for several years, but my best girlfriend's death directly coincided with a physical health crisis (encephalitic-menengitis) I experienced, to which even non-depressed people are susceptible. I learned that many people who experience any number of crises like emotional or physical trauma, heart attack, stroke, cancer, and varous other episodic and chronic illnesses are susceptable to chemical and neurological changes that can cause depression, especially if one is already genetically hard-wired for it.

However, never in the shock and grief that also accompanied all but my father's death, some right after another, nor in all my pain and despair with illness, have I felt completely hopeless or worthless or attempted suicide, in spite of having previously made three flat-line attempts over many years that required long-term hospitalizations. My last visit included an extensive course of ECT, which turned out to be a Godsend after no medicaton or counseling therapies helped, so don't knock it till (God forbid!) you need it. Because my depression progressed to a catatonic state (one of the most serious criteria for diagnosing major clinical depression), and thanks to the ECT, I have no memory of the weeks or pain preceeding or following that attempt, the anointment of Last Rites, or my emergence from a coma a week after. To this day, I blessedly only recall the shaky but hopeful end of that particular vacation, and if there's any mercy it'll stay that way.

As personal as this is, I share it because I've learned that the stigma of depression keeps us sick and has killed some beautiful people I love when they understandably gave up and decided they couldn't endure it anymore, rather than wait for the professional and spiritual relief that eventually comes. But only when we share the pain, ask for help and have the faith to stick it out in spite of the Black giving every indication that it's pointless.

I keep the faith because in my experience even shit rolls downhill when prayers are answered and you give it a good kick. pj

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Comment by Ann A. on October 7, 2011 at 9:10pm: I too am glad that you shared about your experience with depression. I am very aware of how devastating depression can be and I am therefore very sensitive to instances when people use it to describe less profound alterations in mood. My maternal grandmother, my mother, and all of her siblings, save one, lived and died with undiagnosed and untreated major depression.I learned the symptoms of major depression long before I learned the term. I will go to my grave regretting the fact that my maternal relatives lived with and caused so much pain because their attitudes about mental, emotional, and psychological illness was so medieval. It is for this reason that I encourage everyone with chronic illness. including those with autoimmune issues, to add competent mental health professionals to to their health care team. I like to have two on my team at any point in time:a clinical social worker or clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist. My mental health issues are much too complex for me to accept psychotropic drugs from every general practitioner who gets visits from pharmaceutical representatives. Since I am getting ready to visit a new psychologist I am thinking about and writing about the various diagnoses that I must share with him. I have already blogged about my general issues with anxiety - without going into too much detail about exactly which and how many of the anxiety disorders will be found in my patient history. My next blog will be about my experience with mood disorder diagnoses.

Moderator Comment by janice on October 7, 2011 at 1:46pm: thank you thank you thank you for sharing this! I Am sorry you have been through all this. I have survived severe depressions to and I really don't know how except by the grace of God. By all natural means I should not be alive, but here I am. Still kicking...

Unless a person has been through it they have no way of understanding.

One time I ended up in the hospital and the only thing that pulled me back from that catatonic state was the vibrations from a boom box some very wise nurse brought to my bedside. He put it beside my bed and put my hand on it so that I could feel the music. I couldn't hear it, but that feeling in my hand pulled me from where ever I was. it was still a long road to being "ok"---a week later that same nurse was with me as I sat and "watched" something on tv. He was asking me to tell him what I thought about whatever was on---it seemed like trying to see something from a million miles away and I could not make sense of it. we tried again another day. All that was BEFORE they found the right meds for me. I have not had a depression like that in 15 years Thanks be to God. But I still have to fight those feelings of worthlessness the suicidal ideation. When the Black falls my vision actually changes---it is like the sun hides behind a cloud...I have been driving when it falls and I have to look to see if there is really a cloud or not---and there is not a real cloud but a mental cloud--mental emotion gloom that is such a b^&@5 to get over.

The Bible says we do not fight flesh and blood but other, unseen enemies. It is true.